I’m not going to beat your car with an umbrella, shave my head, or anything to that nature. People with Bipolar disorder are often tagged as “crazy.” We are expected to drive our kids into a lake,  shave our heads and wear pink wigs. I don’t blame people for thinking the way that they do, most people only know of bipolar disorder from the news and celebrities.

When someone does something really crazy; shooting up a college campus, drowning their kids in the bath tub, bipolar disorder is often one of the first few topics discussed. There are, however, functioning bi-polaroids (Haha. I made that term up, but it is pretty awesome!) out there. They will never kill anyone or drive their car through a bank. Hell, there a good possibility they may never do anything interesting in their entire life.

 I fall into this category.

There is a big stigma about the whole thing and I feel embarrassed to talk about it, sometimes enough so that I hide it from people I know very well. I was diagnosed when I was 14 years old with Bipolar disorder. I’m not crazy, however, and I don’t want to be thought of in that light. When my husband walks out the door for work, I don’t want him to think I would EVER put myself or children in harms way. The people that know me know this but it’s always scary telling this to people I don’t know, I’m always worried about the way they will think of me.

Last week I went to the doctor to check my blood sugar and ask about some neck pain I was having. I had never seen this doctor before because our insurance changed in January and I had to pick a new primary care doctor.

I always hate that first visit with a new doctor, it takes forever to go through your history and explain things to them. Then they usually ask you questions about any medical conditions you or your family members may have gone through and treat you like you don’t know what your talking about. “When was this diagnosed? Who diagnosed this?”

I usually save the whole Bipolar diagnosis for right before they head out the door. Try to save myself the “talk” about asking for help and talking to a therapist they are trained to spout out.

I haven’t been on any medications for my Bipolar disorder or anxiety attacks for the past three and a half years. I was taking Lithium and Lexapro everyday but when I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter I stopped taking them all together. I never spoke with a doctor about going off them and this tends to freak doctors out.

In my own defense, I didn’t have any medical insurance. I got put on Medi-cal but it could only be used in relation to the pregnancy.

After I told her about the bipolar disorder, my new doctor told me that I need to wean my baby. She would prefer it that I be put back on my medications immediately and called her “therapist friend” right there and then to see if she could see me right away. I already had an appointment lined up with a psychiatrist before my appointment with her because I thought it was about time I found out what medications were out there that were safe enough to take while breastfeeding.

According to her, there aren’t any really. The only option she gave me was weaning my baby now and getting put on the strong medications I was taking before.

I love breastfeeding and I know my baby isn’t ready to wean. She won’t even take a bottle anyway since she hasn’t ever had to. My thoughts are, what is the rush? I have been off the medications for almost four years now. I function quite well, I think. My only real problem is that I have some pretty bad anxiety attacks.

My first reaction was that I will NOT wean the baby and that I would just wait until she is done nursing or wean her around 18 months like I did Kayla. But now I am not so sure. Is that a rash decision? Is that the disease talking? Or do I really have a choice? I am an intelligent young mother capable of making my own decisions in regards to the well being of my children. Is this post simply validating the fact that I am in need of medications because my racing thoughts are making this post seem like I am rambling on incoherently? Haha.

Medication can’t cure everything. I have a beautiful family. I am happy. I get depressed sometimes. Doesn’t everyone? Especially those that don’t make a lot of money and have special needs children that require lots of money to be spent on them?

I also get manic sometimes, but my manic cycles usually consist of talking really fast and being easily distracted. I tend to possibly make some bad decisions (spending money I shouldn’t) but most the time my actions these days are rather harmless. Plus I write better, take better pictures, and do much better graphic design during manic states. (I really do!)

I guess I’m just really unsure of what to do. I want to be responsible and do the right thing for my children, I’m just not sure whether or not the medication would make a big enough difference in my life to be worth discontinuing breastfeeding.

Any thoughts? I hope I haven’t scared any of you off, now. ; D