(No that is not my daughter’s. Just there for visual effect.) 

So tomorrow I take my darling little girl to get her second MRI. She had her first one when she was about two days old but I wasn’t as terrified about it then in light of all that was going on with her medically I was just terrified in general. Anything to help me understand why I might be losing my new born little angel was more of a relief than a nightmare. But now, as my little girl has done so well and is such a bright and beautiful toddler, I question whether or not this one is a mistake. They want to make sure nothing has changed, and see if the damage they saw initially on her MRI might have been exaggerated by any swelling the strokes may have caused. If they get a better look at exactly what parts of her brain are damaged, they will have a better chance of knowing what to focus on, and just how much of her language center is destroyed.

I am terrified. I might as well not sleep tonight, seeing as how I don’t know how I can and we have to be up at 5am, but, I think if I do stay up I might be even more emotional in the morning due to lack of sleep. (I’m emotional anyway, I’m pregnant. They go hand in hand.) No one really understands why I’m as terrified as I am, but, it makes sense to me.

They are doing a HR spectroscopy MRI (MRI Spectroscopy (MRS) is a special technique used for characterization of the biochemistry of tumors, infarcts, and other pathology. ) Which I guess means she has to be under anesthesia for about two and a half hours as she has to hold absolutely still and there is no way a two year old will willingly do this. I hate the thought that she is going to be “put under” or even that I have to leave her side for the actual MRI. If you are a parent, I’m sure you agree. When they did a basic review of the procedure with me over the phone they told me that she could have nothing to eat or drink after midnight, no jewelry, earrings, blah, blah, but they told me I could stay with her and hold her while they gave the laughing gas. (They are going to administer the laughing gas through a special children’s mask until she falls asleep, then once she is out we will be asked to wait in the waiting room and then the anesthesiologist will administer the IV and the actual anesthesia that will keep her out for the whole procedure.) When she goes to recovery we can go join her.

I am happy that I get to be by her side comforting her until she falls asleep from the laughing gas, but I know, as hard as I try not to, I will cry and scare her even more than the scary mask they are holding over her face until she falls asleep will. I don’t even like thinking about this whole situation. I feel like she is going in for a heart transplant or something I am so nervous. It’s gonna be a long night.